HeartBeatsAlike

♥

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:25:40 GMT

Come Back they haven't offended me yet?

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:46:30 GMT

These boys were so fucking amazing with english accents. At the show it dawned on me that I've never seen a UK band perform live. They were the best I hope they come back soon. The show was 10 times better than the video.

Rocket to me

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:37:16 GMT

Yesterday I found out that my dad has Cancer. I didn't really know how to feel about this since I pretty much hate everything about him. I honestly think my little sisters will be better off not knowing him. But he's not dead yet. But there's the human side of me that feels some sort of sadness for him. Wait let me correct that I feel sadness for myself. I pitty myself for having a father like him. Yeah it's still early and I haven't really tried to hard to think about it. I know I'm going to cry I'm just a big blob of a cry baby. The 12 year old in me is tore up about it b/c she still liked her dad. The 20 year old I am says" That's what he gets for being a fucking bastard as bitch. Let's see him make more babies now!" However I would never say that too his face. Actually I would . Back to me So I'm pretty sure I have cancer or will very soon . About 3 months ago my aunt died from brain cancer now my dad has it and 3 out of 4 grandparents died from cancer. Yeah maybe I shouldn't smoke fags but we're all gonna die some day, some just sooner than others.

I cry like a baby when I watch the children at St. Josephs hospital special everytime it's on tv. Those kids are so beautiful and full of life. It puts me in such a downer mood to watch the program and at the end they tell us those kids died like 2 months after. What are they trying to do to people. I'm not a robot I cry for strangers rather than my own blood.

P.s I'm a very sensitive young lady that isn't cold hearted. I promise.

Special

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:13:43 GMT

"My life still sucks plain and simple. There's no way to convey this without sounding emo. Fuck it. My heart hurts a little more than before. I've never felt like this before. I guess I cared a lot more about him than I thought. With time I'm pretty sure it'll hurt a lot less.Hopefully. Because as of now I couldn't even sleep and my chest was hurting which leads me to think it's a broken heart. I refuse to be a hypocrite about this situation. You know it must be really something if I've resulted to a blog to let it out, because I rarely come on here."- Ebony

This was me a little over a week. I don't feel like that anymore. Well not to that extent at least. Thanya says I should write in my journal more so she doesn't have to hear me talk about it. What a little Fire-crotch. The paragraph before was my heart wrenching reaction from finding out the guy I liked was into someone else, my best friend! I was a little vexed about it since it came as a total shock entire time. (But it's not like he lead me on ,so I don't know where she got that Idea.) I would like to think of myself as a very level headed person. So if he just told me straight up I would have been fine with it. I think it was the lack of communication, he had some many opportunities to tell me how he felt. The guy in question said he knew I liked him but not to what extent.Blah Blah blah. What does that even mean? I hate it when people avoid telling me the truth because they're trying to spare my feelings. Fuck it people just need to learn how to be honest. Anyway I think I'm pretty much over the whole thing after days of talking about it . There's just a lot of awkward turtle moments ahead mostly for me:) That's the last time I'm going to be nice to a guy. I don't get it ! I'm a extremely shy person and I tried to be a less shy person around him. I think I'm just going to go back to my old shy self ,it worked better for me.

Dam why did he have to be so dam cute?

Here's My Life Story

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:33:06 GMT

I love writing and hate it at the same time. I love writing because it feels great to talk without actually saying a word. In other words it's another way to talk to myself that is acceptable. I hate writing my thoughts down sometimes because as they may make perfect sense in my head it doesn't once it's in black and white.

My dilemma: What else could it be besides boys/men. I've only really like 3 guys in my complete life span of 19 years.. You can see carefully I don't use the word LOVE because I hate how everyone uses the L word but don't mean it or even know the true meaning of it..The ones I let myself fall for are either older than me and versed in the world.. So I feel inadequate next to them... They are always everything I could ever want in another person but the problem is I'm not what they want in a person. So the solution is make myself more interesting. right ? No... I don't want to change who I am for a guy. However I will change or improve myself because I'm not happy with what I've become.

Backwards through time..........
Who would have known stress and frustration from High School would lead me down this road. I would have been almost done with college with a Bachelors in visual arts if I would have just gone. But something always have to prevent me somehow. I didn't graduate with my fellow classmates because I easily got tired and bored with school that I decided to test out early during the beginning of my junior year.. It really wasn't a big deal it was actually alot easier than I thought it would be. My mom didn't care none the bit because I was never at school most of the time being sick or sick of school. I was always competitive with my sister Tiffany with our grades and at times I would beat her. Then the discouragement came along. My family never appreciated me or my intelligence so I stopped. I stopped with good grades to spite them which was only spiting me in the long run. Still smart enough to get A's on test when I would miss the whole week before never really fazed me. Got into a private college for photography in Santa Barbra but somehow I talked myself out of that mostly because of cost of tuition. So in other words I've been out of school for about 4 years I think.. And its taking a toll on my mental and overall state. Things I use to know dwindle away along with high school friends who got tired of me not being there for them. The only thing that stayed constant and kept me going was my love for music and going to shows. I've only worked when I really need money so it was never a long period of time. I have huge secrets that no one knows. My brain is always in overdrive over thinking ever possible thing it takes it in which gives me a headache at times. I self-diagnosed myself with a small case of insanity. The definition of INSANE is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. And that explain my life perfectly. I hide my insecurities and pain with smiles and laughter . At times keeping myself in my room for days with no real sun light nothing but a good book and my thoughts to get lost in. Finding some beautiful place to get lost. Maybe my problem is that it's way too easy for me to disconnect myself from the world. It's like an on and off switch. Oh yes and I have made my self dumb... I am so much smarter than people think it's sad. Sad that instead of using my intelligence I let it rot away.

Forward to present time......

Still unhappy with what I'm doing. Still no boyfriend or serious love interest. I always think any hope for me and a potential guy is predetermined and doomed to fail from the start. WHY you ask? Because I choose to be fixated on a person that I know would never like me and the guys that do like me gets the automatic axe. I'm self- consciously dooming myself to my own island. And what am I doing to fix this nothing. Until this very moment....